Diary of a Quixotic Painter...what is she thinking???

Thursday... 25 March 2004
I thought I'd start an online journal for anyone who really cares to see what goes on in this wacked-out head of mine. Be forewarned, some of the stuff in there is pretty scary. But hey, you're the curious one. Most of the time, I'm pretty off-the-wall and safe to read...then again, you may catch me in one of my moods. MWAHAHAHAHA (<---evil laugh).

So, you're asking yourself, "Why Quixotic Painter?" First of all, I'll state the obvious...that's what I do. I paint. Mostly in acrylic paints, sometimes with words. Of course, Chris would tell you that last part is 'diarrhea of the mouth'...hahaha. That boy has a great sense of humor. Oh wait, should I take offense to that? hehehe

Anyhoo...the 'quixotic' part comes for the whole Don Quixote thing. If you want a full on definition of "quixotic" it reads as this:

quix·ot·ic: adj. 1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality. 2. Capricious; impulsive: “At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis Auchincloss).

Hey, I can't help it. That sort of describes me to a "T". However, I like to think that I do have a reachable goal of being able to make a living at my artwork, whether it be from my Henna Tattoos or my "Soulmate Paintings". The main point is, I want to share all the imagery, ideas and feelings I have in my head about that ideal of the true soulmate. Corny? Maybe. I never said I wasn't. I sometimes wonder if I have that "something" it takes to be a professional artist. Then again, I think a lot of us artist who are struggling go through that same feeling. Frustrating, but I believe that's all part of our process.

Personally, I would be interested to hear what anyone else out there has to say on their idea of soulmates. Give a shout out to me at LBeuler@Lernie.com and I'll post what you have to say on my site. Who knows, what you have to say may be the next subject matter for a new painting.

Friday, 2 April 2004
Newest thing I'm working on...I'm trying something new with color. Oh it's still the same basic subject matter...so far. However, I'm using (or attempting to use) Stanton MacDonald-Wright and Russell Morgan's theories on color: Synchromism. It's sort of hard to explain, but if you click on it, maybe that link will give you some idea of what I'm trying to achieve.

This first painting, while it looks pretty cool, I still think I failed miserably. What do you think?

I swear, I'll update my page later. As my good friend, Pam, would say "Honest Injun!" Hey, I'm a bit slow. I can't help it. Life has been getting somewhat hectic for me these days. Chris actually told me it was his favorite painting of mine so far. My buddy had also a look at it today and said it looked cool, too. Ok, ok. Maybe I should listen to them, but I gotta tell you, I'm my own worst critic...or is that enemy? Egads.

For example, I've got an Art Show I'm doing tomorrow which is actually a charity event for ABC Trust. It should be pretty interesting. There are supposed to be quite a few rock legends there and besides which, I get to show my artwork there. If I sell any of my prints or paintings, I'm donating 30% to the charity. Check this out: the press release was read over the air on KLOS. You're thinking, big deal, right? To me it is. I found out they listed me as a "Guest Artist". Dude, I feel way special...hehehe. (PS. If you wanna check out the event in person, click here for more info.)

Alright. before I start droning on and on, I'm outta here. I'm gonna go catch some zzzz's. It's been a LONG day.

Thursday, 8 April 2004
A good friend of mine sent this to me recently. I thought I'd share it with anyone who cared to read this:

Trust Involves Character and Competence 350.2

Today, I want to talk a little more about the qualities that
Generate trust.

First, I want to make clear that I `m talking about being trustworthy,
Not about trusting others. There is a relationship between the two
concepts, but a decision to trust another is a choice, not a moral
Obligation. Being trustworthy, however, is an indispensable aspect
Of good character. Thus, we should always act so as to be worthy
of trust -- not simply because it `s wise to do so, but because it `s
The right way to live.

Being worthy of full-bodied trust entails two distinct qualities:
Character and competence.

Of course, the attribute we first associate with trustworthy behavior
Is integrity. This crucial aspect of good character is demonstrated
Through scrupulous honesty and moral courage. If we want people
to trust us or our organization, they must believe that we will
consistently do the right thing, regardless of the circumstances or

Other aspects of character include accountability and fairness.
People trust those who accept responsibility for their choices and
Don `t palm off blame to others. It`s also important to be regarded
as fundamentally fair.

But in business, confidence in character is not enough to justify
trust. Trust also involves the conviction that the person or
organization will successfully do what is expected. This competency
dimension of trust embraces faith in ability, knowledge and judgment
as well as a belief that the person or organization will be reliable
and responsive. Reliability is established through diligence and
follow-through while responsiveness involves respectful communication
and demonstrated concern.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

So there you have it....

Anyways...today is opening night for Sharing Space V. I'm part of this group showing along with 25 other artists in the Southern California area. It's in the NoHo Arts District at Lankershim Gallery. I'm looking forward to meeting other artists like myself and seeing what others' artistic passion creates.

My girls are going with me. Sometimes I worry that they feel dragged along to a lot of these events. However, I like to think that they get something out of this. They are 11 yrs old now and already their personalties and talents are very strong. The funny thing is that one is so much like me in the art department while the other is like my sister...very musically inclined. They are constantly amazing me, whether it be because of a drawing or painting that one girl has created merely by her imagination. The other, she can easily pick out a tune on the piano that she might have heard or made up.

Yeah, yeah, I know...doting mommy. What do you want from me? I'm proud of the little monkeys.

Monday... 10 May 2004
Finally have gotten my web probs fixed. I had to switch to a much better server (reliable and WAY easier to contact for web support!) Hopefully this means less down time for my website.

 Things have been pretty busy for me. I've had a couple of more little shows that I've done since the last entry. One of them being the featured artist at "Soul Satisfaction" at the House of Blues in Hollywood. That was a great event. I met a lot of pretty cool people, one of whom was kind enough to give me info on a gallery near her where she thought I should submit my work to. Great music, too! Chris and Jaclyn's band played...they were AWESOME! (Chris and Jaclyn are the people who run the event...really cool to work with).

Next week, I head out to Hawaii. I'm taking my girls along with me. I'm being flown out by a friend of mine to paint a mural in her kids' room. It looks like I might have a couple of other rooms to paint for new clients too. Once Pam's friends found out I was going to be out there, they started talking about me painting murals for them, as well. That would be pretty cool to do.

Yesterday was Mother's day. That was pretty cool. We went to one of my favorite haunts, Huntington Library. I finally got Chris to drive out there with me! Very cool. Just as I suspected, he loved it! It was a really nice day...it started off w/ Chris and our girls making breakfast for me. Not to be a gushing mama, but how cute is it when little kids make pancakes on their own? They try to flip the pancake completely, but only succeed w/ a partial flip. Then you get that half-circle mark on the bottom of the pancake where it flipped an folded on accident. Ok, maybe that's just me. I think it's cool they did that :-) They also got me a gift card to Hot Topic which is one of my favorite stores :-D

So that's my update for now. Hope you're not getting way too bored reading this...

Friday, June 4, 2004
I've been back from Hawaii for over a week now. Seems kind of surreal that I was even out there. This was for my friend's baby's room. You could call it sort of working vacation. I flew out to Oahu to visit her and her family at their new house and paint the baby's room.

I was kind of stuck for a bit because I had no idea what I could possibly do that was interesting with a golf theme. However, I think I did pretty good. What do you think? http://www.lernie.com/murals.html.

The baby seemed to like it a lot. When I finished the first creature, the octopus, Pam held Xander up to see it. It brings a smile to my face when I remember how his little face lit up with this huge baby grin. Even better, he started talking to it...well, baby talking anyways..hehehe. Too sweet :-)

It was really beautiful and so incredibly relaxing on the island. I took loads and loads of pics w/ my cam. I got a lot of great reference material, too. I have so many ideas in my head now, that I'm not really sure where to begin. There's one thing I did notice. In painting my landscape paintings, you can tell I was painting from my head and not from a reference point. Maybe I'm being overly critical, but I can see where I might have not painted the tropical foliage/landscapes properly. This trip was great because I think now I'll be able to come up w/ some even better works.

Stay tuned for new moonlit fantasies. I'm thinking you'll see some progress within the next few weeks.

Sunday, October 10, 2004
It's hard to believe that I've been back from a second trip to Hawaii for almost a month now. Wish we were back there. Chris and I went out there, just the two of us for about 10 days. Spent most of the time on Kauai where we went snorkeling and hiking (lots and lots of hiking). 7 days there just didn't seem like enough. I'd forgotten how amazing the beaches are on this island. As to the hiking, I'd never been hiking on any of those trails before. You have to understand, the last time I was on Kauai, it was 18 yrs ago and w/ my parents who are by no means hikers. They're more of the resort types. hehe

I was a little concerned at first about the swimming and hiking because of the weakness I've been feeling due to my stupid thyroid probs. I didn't want to spoil Chris' good fun and wanted to enjoy myself, too. I love hiking and this whole mess w/ my health has really been screwing with me. However, maybe it was the atmosphere or something on the island, but I found myself able to hike some pretty difficult trails (we're talking steep, almost straight up). I think it might have something to do w/ the fact that there is so much eye-candy out there coupled w/ the mild breezes coming off the ocean as we picked our way up the trails. The snorkeling was incredible too. I got to see my very first sea-turtles who were hanging out by the reefs we were swimming around. There was a whole mess of them, maybe 20.

Now that I'm home (and thank goodness we are...we really missed our babies)...things are getting a bit tougher for me. I'm not really asking for sympathy or anything, far from it. Just maybe mentioning this in case anyone wonders as to why the updates to my paintings and this journal have been so intermittent. Between my meds and my stupid thyroid (which incidentally cannot make up its mind as to whether its hyper or hypo), I've been having these massive headaches which are almost incapacitating. They get to the point where you feel like pounding your head against a brick wall would feel much better. Now before anyone tries to give me any advice on how to get rid of said headaches...I've tried everything imaginible. Nothing helps. It's just something I have to deal with on my own.

At any rate, what pisses me off is that I feel so crappy that I find I'm having a hard time painting. It hurts my head. Stupid aches are mostly at the shoulders, creep up the neck and stay at the base of my head...sometimes creeping up to the front of my head. IT's a pain. I SHOULD try to channel the Headache (we've named it that...as in, "yeah, the Headache's here. looks like it wants to hang out for the day") and paint surrealist paintings. Sort of Frida Kalo-esque. Its not far-fetched. Maybe it would be cathartic. Then again, it could get pretty dark and morbid. That's another wonderful side-effect, btw, of the up and downs of my thyroid. You get really weird...and sometimes ugly sarcastic. It's almost like being bi-polar.

What's also making me crazy is the fact that my surgery date keeps getting pushed back. I was supposed to go in this month to get the rest of my thyroid taken out because there's a possibility of cancer, like the other side that was removed last year. Now it's looking like it'll be closer to Thanksgiving or even Christmas before this all ends. I'm mostly sick of all of it. Just want it out. Want to get back to normal very badly.

So that's that. Don't give up on me yet, tho. I'm really, really trying to fight this. It's just taking me a bit to pull myself out of the depression that goes with all the aforementioned. By all means, keep checking back here to see anything new I've come up with. If you want, email me, too. Sometimes positive thoughts from others help me get through the dark spots. I'm lucky, too, that I've got a great guy who's very supportive (Thanks, Chris! Have I told you how much I love you lately?) and my kids make me smile when I've had a particularly rough day w/ the headaches. Then of course, there are the very few really close friends who've stuck by me and helped me keep my sense of humor.

Hopefully the next entry you see from me will be better and more positive. I don't know that anyone even really reads this page, but what the hell, thought I'd post it anyways.


Journal 2006
Journal 2005