Diary of a Quixotic Painter...
what is she thinking???

quix·ot·ic: adj. 1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals;
idealistic without regard to practicality. 2. Capricious; impulsive:
“At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis Auchincloss).

Friday, 28 January 2005
For anyone who was wondering, I'm mostly back to some semblence of normalcy. The surgery went well. It's been almost 2 months since that took place. I can't believe how quickly I'm healing...in fact, the scar is healing at least twice the rate it was last year! My friend, Faron, got me these really cool scarfs for Christmas that I like to wear when I do events so that people don't freak from the scar. It's not that I'm self-conscious of it (truth be told, I sort of wear it like a badge of honor), I just don't want the squeamish to get all "heebed" out when they're supposed to be having a good time at art shows or henna events that I've been booked for.

Oh yes, among other things, the headaches are starting to go away. I'm down to maybe 1 major headache per week. That's a great thing since I was having them almost every single day...mind-numbing-teeth-clenching...well, you get the picture. I feel a bit more like 'me' these days and am slowly getting to where I want to be creating in my studio again. I've been missing my Muse, I guess.

Another thing, yes there was cancer on the side removed in December. No, it didn't spread. Thyroid Cancer is the kind of cancer that is 'good' to have, in that it tends to only stay inside the thyroid. I've got no thyroid, so now am on Cytomel, which is thyroid hormone type replacement, until they give me the Radioactive Iodine to kill off any remaining thyroid cells (just a precaution against any more thyroid cancer).

In the meantime, check out the events page because I've got a couple of shows coming up. Should be a good thing to get me going in the art scene again. Hope to see you there!

Monday, 7 March 2005
Current Mood: Bitchy
(excerpt from my "myspace" blogs)

You might ask why that horrid scar is back up again. It's because yours truly has to go through that stupid radioactive iodine treatment. I'm just mad, frustrated and somewhat depressed. It's just all these factors surrounding my damned thyroid (or lack-thereof) that are getting to me. I've got to be on this stupid low-iodine diet now...and for those of you that don't know it...iodine is in almost EVERYTHING!!!! As if trying to eat right isn't hard enough!

On top if it, I seriously feel like a butterball. Nothing fits right and no matter how well I eat, the weight will not go away. My famly and friends are sweet and try to make me feel better about it saying I look great, but I know the truth. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I see what I look like in the mirror and on film. It's not cool. I'm not a vain girl, but you know, you get to a point when you just don't feel comfortable in your own skin anymore. That's where I'm at. I just want to feel normal again.

So, in about 2-3 weeks, I get to be just like my Thyroid Sister and be "Radioactive Girl". Watch me glow in the dark boys and girls!

Sunday, 20 March 2005
Can I just tell you how beyond annoyed I am right now? Other words would be frustrated, tired, weak, bitchy, depressed...I'm such a mess right now. All of the Cytomel is completely out of my system so that I'm currently in full-blown hypothyroid mode. This means a wonderful variety of crappy symptoms for me. They range from "ohmygodmyheadisgonnaexplode!!!!" to depressed to weak all over to nauseous to...well, all sorts of other negative things. I just want to feel normal again. Oh yeah, and the headaches...since I went off my meds have been back almost on a daily basis. Actually, over the last 5 days, I have had intense ones lasting pretty much all day long. nice.

I'm not even going to get into how these people in the medical field are f***ing w/ me. One group tells me to go on the afforementioned radical diet (which was pure hell). A week later, the radiology dept says "Oh, I'm sorry Mrs. Beuler. You really didn't have to put yourself through all that. You only have to stay away from iodine and seafood products". Then this other ass tells me that I also need an RAI-123 scan test. I try to keep telling him that there is NO THYROID TO SCAN BECAUSE IT'S ALL BEEN REMOVED!!!! Unfortunately, he was not paying attention. I get called the day after, and he goes "Oh, I misunderstood, I guess you don't need to take that test. I'll have someone call you later today to schedule your RAI-131 (the treatment that I'm really supposed to have in the first place.)"

So Ok, I'm scheduled for this RAI-131 thing that will kill the rest of those damned thyroid cells, thereby keeping me from getting any possible thyroid cancer. I go in Wednesday, March 23, for this. Soon as it's over, I get to start back on my meds again which will be very nice. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Up down and up and down. That's how my moods go...oh, AND, as if the weight gain and everything else were not enough, I'm like all puffy looking all over!!!! My face looks so puffy right now, that I look like someone went under my skin and inflated my face. It's icky and I feel icky.

Now ask me if I've been painting at all over the last few weeks. Hah!

I want to feel and look normal again. I want to be happy-me again. I want dear friends back that I've somehow lost (this means you, Kuya). I want to have my strength of mind and body back. I just want to be ME, again!

Tuesday, 19 April 2005

Ok anyone who was wondering about it, the episode of MTV's show "Next!" with me doing henna on camera just aired. It was taped a month or so ago before all the RAI drama started up. Anyways, I've got Direct TV w/ the East Coast feed and it showed at 1:30pm. So anyone who has cable, it's airing here on the West Coast at 4:30pm PST. I noticed they do repeats throughout the week sometimes too, so if you miss it today, it'll be on later.

Ya know, I gotta say, it's a little disconcerting to see yourself on film. I think that's why I stay behind camera most of the time. hehehe If anything, I'd say my hair looked good. ;-)

After you finish laughing, let me know what you think. I'm still laughing at it.
I look like a dork. hehehe :-D

Sunday, 29 May 2005

So it's been about 2 months since that RAI thing. I thought I'd update anyone who cares on my progress. I'm doing much better these days. The mood swings aren't too bad now. (Ask Chris. hehe) I'm working on the weight issues, but I'm hoping that if I'm consistent, I'll drop the pounds. I know it will be slow, but at least I'll feel better. The last time I went in to see the doc, she mentioned my blood pressure was a little high. We have to watch that. I guess it's a side effect of the Cytomel that I'm taking. I still get a few headaches here and there, but they aren't so incapacitating as they were before. Every so often, there's that weak feeling that shows up, but I'm trying to fight it. Oh yeah, and the "swiss-cheese memory" is still there. I think that's more from the anesthesia they gave me. I hear that it takes at least 6 - 8 months before that side effect wears off. yippee skippee.

As to business, the Henna Season is in full swing and I've had a lot of bookings. It's great! Yeah, they can wear a girl out, but it's all good because I feel like I'm being productive and I'm making people happy with their henna tattoos. Art shows are getting booked left and right, too. I was bummed this week because I had to miss out on the Liquid City Sassafrass show that I was supposed to be part of. What can you do, though, when you have responsibilities at home? My family comes first before my career, so I stayed home to take care of my little monkeys.

I totally have to update my events page. There's at least 2 more shows coming up that I need to advertise. Go check it out. I'm probably going to update that tonight after I finish painting out at the Cafe Tu Tu Tango at the Block. I'm scheduled to paint live there tonight. On Tuesday, I'm booked to paint live at Viento y Agua in Long Beach. That should be fun. It's a new venue for me and I'm always up for that.

Another thing about myself...I've gotta kick my butt into gear and start seriously painting again. I've gotta get over this feeling of being in a fugue. I don't know if it's just me or if it has anything to do w/ my stupid thyroid. More than likely, I just need to get into my studio and go for it.

Sunday, 26 June 2005
I love these lyrics. It's the romantic in me, I guess. Yes, I've fallen in love with the music from Phantom of the Opera again. I remember hearing it long ago, but have rediscovered it recently. This song, in particular, inspires me to create more soulmate paintings. It's so haunting, but just really says so much. What do you think? Should I create a series around this?

Think of me
Think of me fondly when we've said goodbye
Remember me
Once in a while, please promise me you'll try.
When you find
That once again you long to take your heart back and be free,
If you ever find a moment spare a thought for me.

We never said our love was evergreen
Or as unchanging as the sea.
But if you can still remember
Stop and think of me.
Think of all the things we've shared and seen,
Don't think about the way things might've been.

Think of me,
Think of me waking, silent and resigned.
Imagine me
Trying too hard to put you from my mind.
Recall those days, look back on all those times,
Think of the things we'll never do.
There will never be a day when I won't think of you!

Can it be?
Can it be Christine?
Long ago, it seems so long ago,
How young and innocent we were!
She may not remember me,
But I remember her.

Flowers fade, The fruits of summer fade,
They have their seasons so do we.
But please promise me that sometimes
You will think...
(Opera singing)
Of me!


Friday, 09 September 2005

In case you were wondering, it's my stupid thyroid issues again. I don't even have one in there after the last surgery in December (2 partial thyroidectomies in 2 years...seriously, do they like cutting me open???)

Anyways, between that and the radioactive treatment to kill off any remaining thyroid cells and/or cancer, I really shouldn't have anything in there, right? My doc ordered an ultrasound for 6-8months after the last surgery to determine there's nothing in there. They had to wait til I was fully healed for this. Long and short of it is that they found a 1.2 cm mass in there.

This mass is 1 of 4 things:
1. Fibrous mass or scar tissue
2. My thyroid trying to grow back (how freaky is that? as if I don't already a weird and unique thyroid patient case as it is)
3. Lymph node
4. Cancer (but if it is, more than likely it's not thyroid related, but something else)

I'm hoping for the scar tissue deal because then I don't have to do anything. I'm just so tired of all of this. I've been dealing w/ thyroid issues since 1991, when I was 23. I went from hyper- to hypo- back to hyper-. My whole patient history is enough to write a paper on. I"m really surprised my doctors aren't even thinking about it.

So anyways, the next step is to do a biopsy. I have wait for my hospital to call me to schedule this. Ugh.

That's me in a nutshell thus far. I'm keeping my sense of humor, but sometimes it's just so hard. Then again, it's like the song goes "I get by w/ a little help from my friends".

84,000 hugs,

Wednesday, 14 September 2005
Biopsies SUCK!!!!

I had the biopsy today. It went ok. We were in there forever, but compared to last time, the whole waiting process was quicker. What I had done was a needle biopsy which is literally a pain in the neck!

Oh sure, they tell you that they're numbing that area w/ lidacaine and that'll sting...um...HELLO OWWW!!! Then they tell you it's going to be a little uncomfortable when they do the biopsy. Ummm A LITTLE???? Yeah, these are things I forgot about from the last time. Of the 5 - 8 biopsies, the doc did the whole 8...which, can I just tell you? they felt like 17 or 18!! Ugh Right when you think he's done, he goes 'ok, just 3 more to go."

Long and short of it is I've got a slightly achy neck today plus I have to wait about a week or so for results. I hate this.

Tuesday, 20 September 2005
Oh for Criminy's sake...I'm so frustrated!

So I went to the doc's this morning. Turns out that the biopsy was inconclusive! Yeah, they found only fresh blood and a few cells which were undeterminable. SO NOW, she's putting me on a different med for 2 weeks, then off of that for 2 weeks PLUS (for extra added fun) I have to be on a low iodine diet again. Why?? Because they have to do ANOTHER test on me (RAI 123). It's a scan test to determine what's going on in there...if it's thyroid growing back or cancer cells.

When is this madness going to end? I'm not even afraid of it being cancer at this point...I still think it's just scar tissue, BUT I agree w/ the doctor and want to be totally sure. However test after test after test...it's just getting so freakin' old!

Thus concludes my rant. I appreciate your P&B's everyone. Sorry I'm in a somewhat bad mood. Just wait til they take me off my cytomel for 2 weeks. My hormones will be so screwed up that I may just be a real PITA. I'll try not to be, but you know how that goes. *sigh*

I think I'll go grab Dougal

and/or my hubby for snuggle. That'll make me feel better.

The Human Pez Dispenser

Wednesday, 9 November 2005
So...I've seriously had it. I've had it UP TO HERE (not up to my chin...above my head!) I went to the doc yesterday for the results on my 'thyroid panel' and the RAI-123 scan test.

1. good news: it's not cancer this time
2. bad news: your mutant friend apparently has a thyroid that's trying to regenerate! 1.3cm to be exact
3. more bad news: i have 2 more crap-ass tests scheduled (MRI and PET scan) both of which I was warned that if I'm claustrophobic, i should ask my dr for a sedative!
4. for extra added fun: might have to have ANOTHER F***ING OPERATION! but whether or not that happens, i gotta go through radiation treatment AGAIN, AND this time it's even more hardcore to where i have to spend 2-3 days in the FREAKIN hospital again. This is because since I already have a history of thyroid cancer, they have to get rid of that bit of thyroid growing or there's a chance it could become cancerous again.

yeah, yours truly got chit-faced last night and painted some weird thing painting that i have no idea what's goin on there. *sigh*

seriously, how many times do i have to be cut open? IF in fact my throat surgeon feels it necessary, this will be operation #3 in just as many years!!! I literally am a human pez dispenser!!! I don't mean to throw a tantrum here, but I'm so tired, girls. I'm really really tired of this. Everytime I think I'm out of the woods, BAM! It's like being socked in the gut over and over again til you can't take it anymore. I thought I got this out of my system yesterday, but I guess I didn't. I may just go ahead and break some dishes or something after all. screw the clean up.

I just need to buck up, I know. I know I will...its just right now I'm just purely frustrated to the nth power. When you get right down to it, I don't have it as bad as some people do. I have to remind myself of that.

End of pity party of one. resuming life now. sorry i'm having a bit of a freak-out here. thanks for reading.

Thursday, 10 November 2005
I painted a new piece again last night. In one way, it's cathartic to get this out of my system. In another way, the images coming out of my head and onto canvas are a little disturbing. A friend of mine said that I should paint like mad when I need to express how I feel w/ this thing...BUT that maybe I should do something about it w/ other people going through this too. Does it sound crazy to maybe gather blogs, poetry, artwork, etc from all of us going through thyroid issues and create a book for others going through this too? We could call it something like "Thyroids are a Pain in the Neck". (weak haha) Maybe proceeds could go towards a Thyroid institute or something. Oh yeah, did you guys know that 8 out of 10 thyroid patients are WOMEN??? What is that all about???

Tuesday, 14 November 2005
Goin in for my MRI today. I'm not doing well these days w/ claustrophobia. Closed spaces never used to bug until lately after all these scan tests. Doc gave me some "happy pill" to mellow me out. Should be interesting and maybe fun??? C's taking me so if I'm loopy he can guide me around. haha

Btw, I gotta tell ya, much as I like my piercings, can I just say, it's a pain to get them all out. I've got the hoop w/ the ball kind because I just like keeping them in all the time. The biggest PITA was the one at the top of my ear! Can't wait to try to get them all back in.

Wednesday, 15 November 2005
MRI...from what I can remember of it...went off well and in 50 mins according to Chris. I gotta tell ya, that Atavan (sp) that the doc gave me totally knocked me out. Seriously. I was bumping into walls and stumbling over things like a total drunk. Chris and/or the doc had to guide me wherever I had to go and then inside the MRI thingy, I kept 'hearing voices'. I THINK that was the nurse talking to me, but I don't remember at all. I THINK they were playing my Enya music for me on the CD player, but who knows.

Next test I'm only taking 1/2 dosage cuz that stuff had me down for the count til well after 8pm. When they say it lasts 6-12 hrs, it lasts the 12 hrs.

I'll keep ya posted on results. Next test is PET scan and that's a week from today.

Wednesday, 30 November 2005

I went to see my throat surgeon yesterday. First of all, I'm name dropping...Dr. Del Junco is SO awesome! He read through all my test results, scoped out the MRI films, checked through the PETscan info, and then went through everything w/ YahooBear and myself. (can I just tell you how weird and surrealistic it is to look at MRI films of your insides? )

Long and short of it, his opinion is that it looks like everything is fine and that there's no reason he can see for him to operate! YEAH!!!

He said that what those other scan tests showed is that there's probably SOME thyroid tissue left, but not enough for him go in to get it out. He agreed w/ my endocrynologist that I should have the radiation treatment, though since I'm a mutant and those thyroid cells might be trying to regenerate and aren't 'leftover' from thyroidectomies.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I got to keep said MRI films for future reference? I was gonna ask him anyways if there was a way to get a copy of them because they looked strangely intriguing. I see another weird art project coming on. Those are some weird images.

Journal 2006
Journal 2005
Journal 2004